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By now most of you have probably seen the post that circulated earlier this week about the most epic email message ever sent by a sorority social chairwoman to her sisters with whom she is greatly displeased. If not, please click over to that link and give it a read -- you won't be disappointed. I was struck by how well-written the message was in its mix of righteous fury and profane humor. Frankly this young lady betrays a certain talent for the written word, and I am taking it upon myself to try to tease out the hidden poetry in her missive and recast it heroic verse. In transcribing this, I have followed these self-imposed rules in order to hew as closely to the original text as possible:
- I made no changes to the word choice; every word is just as it appeared in the original email.
- I did change some of her punctuation in order to make the verse more readable and to try to follow conventional rules of punctuation in poetry.
- I made each of the six paragraphs of her email into a separate stanza and gave it a title.
- I paid no attention to meter or rhyme, so this is really just free verse.
- All verses must end with the author's favorite modifier, which serves as the closing point for each of the 34 verses in the poem. The one exception to this rule is the case in which some word(s) other than the author's favorite modifier end the paragraph. In this case, those words are placed into a sort of half-verse used to close that particular stanza.
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THE TRAGEDY OF THE SOCIAL CHAIR
Written by the Social Chair of the Delta Gamma Chapter
at the University of Maryland
Transcribed into verse by John Ward better make that Unknown, 2013
I. A WARNING TO THE BELOVED SISTERS
If you just opened this like I told you to
tie yourself down
to whatever chair you'resitting in because
this email is going to be a rough fucking
ride.
II. THE LAMENT
For those of you that have your heads
stuck under rocks
which apparently is the majority of
this chapter, we have been FUCKING
UP in terms
of night time events
and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.
I've been getting texts
on texts about people
LITERALLY being so fucking
AWKWARD
and so fucking
BORING. If you're reading this right now
and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted]
I've been having so much fun
with my sisters this week!"
then punch yourself in the face
right now
so that I don't have to fucking
find you
on campus
to do it myself.
III. THE SCOLDING OF THE SISTERHOOD
I do not give a flying fuck
and Sigma Nu
does not give a flying fuck
about how much you fucking
love to talk to your sisters.
You have 361
days out of the fucking
year to talk to sisters
and this week
is NOT, I fucking
repeat NOT
ONE OF THEM.
This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community
and that's not fucking
possible if you're going to stand around
and talk to each other
and not our matchup.
Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.
Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING
NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING
TO WANT
TO HANG OUT
WITH US
IF WE FUCKING
SUCK, which
by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you
WE FUCKING
SUCK
SO FAR.
IV. THE IMPUDENCE OF THE YOUNG
This also applies to you little shits
that have talked openly about post gaming
at a different frat
IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking
retarded?
That's not a rhetorical question
I LITERALLY want you to email me back
telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure
you don't go to anymore night time events.
If Sigma Nu openly said
"Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over"
would you be happy?
WOULD YOU?
No
you wouldn't
so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM??
IN FRONT OF THEM?!!
First of all you SHOULDN'T be post gaming
at other frats
I don't give a FUCK if
your boyfriend is in it if
your brother is in it or if
your entire family is in that frat.
YOU DON'T GO. YOU.
DON'T.
GO.
And you ESPECIALLY do fucking
NOT convince
other girls
to leave with
you.
V. THE REJECTION OF THE PLEAS OF THE FORSAKEN
"But [first name redacted]!" you say
in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen
as you read this email
"I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports
doesn't that count for something?"
NO YOU STUPID FUCKING
ASS HATS
IT FUCKING
DOESN'T.
DO YOU WANNA KNOW
FUCKING
WHY?!!
IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE
YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING
UP
AT SOBER FUCKING
EVENTS TOO.
I've not only gotten texts
about people
being fucking
WEIRD at sports
(for example, being stupid shits and saying
stuff like
"durr what's kickball?"
is not fucking
funny), but I've gotten texts
about people actually cheering for the opposing team.
The opposing.
Fucking.
Team.
ARE YOU FUCKING
STUPID?!!
I don't give a SHIT
I don't give a SHIT
about sportsmanship
YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM
AND NOT THE OTHER ONE
HAVE YOU NEVER
BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME?
ARE YOU FUCKING
BLIND?
Or are you just
so fucking
dense
about what it means to make people like you
that you think
being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to
make our matchup happy?
Well
it's time someone told you
NO ONE FUCKING
LIKES THAT
ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING
MATCHUP.
I will fucking
cunt punt the next person
I hear about
doing something like that and
I don't give a fuck if you SOR me
I WILL FUCKING
ASSAULT YOU.
VI. THE FINAL WARNING TO THE SCORNED
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad."
Well good.
If this email applies to you in any way
meaning if you are a little asswipe
that stands in the corners at night
or if you're a weird shit
that does weird shit
during the day
this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.
I'm not fucking
kidding. Don't go. Seriously
if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have
some rare disease
where you're unable to NOT do these things
then you are HORRIBLE
I repeat, HORRIBLE
PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.
I would rather have 40 girls
that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking
awkward than 80
that are fucking
faggots.
If you are one of the people that have told me
"Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober" then
I pity you
because I don't know how you got this far in life
and with that in mind don't fucking
show up
unless you're going to stop being
a goddamn cock block
for our chapter.
Seriously.
I swear to fucking
God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner
at tonight's event
I will tell you to leave even if you're sober.
I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email I would apologize
but I really don't give a fuck.
Go fuck yourself.