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The Haunting Poetic Beauty of the Epic Sorority Girl Email

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By now most of you have probably seen the post that circulated earlier this week about the most epic email message ever sent by a sorority social chairwoman to her sisters with whom she is greatly displeased.  If not, please click over to that link and give it a read -- you won't be disappointed.  I was struck by how well-written the message was in its mix of righteous fury and profane humor.  Frankly this young lady betrays a certain talent for the written word, and I am taking it upon myself to try to tease out the hidden poetry in her missive and recast it heroic verse.  In transcribing this, I have followed these self-imposed rules in order to hew as closely to the original text as possible:
  • I made no changes to the word choice; every word is just as it appeared in the original email.
  • I did change some of her punctuation in order to make the verse more readable and to try to follow conventional rules of punctuation in poetry.
  • I made each of the six paragraphs of her email into a separate stanza and gave it a title.
  • I paid no attention to meter or rhyme, so this is really just free verse.
  • All verses must end with the author's favorite modifier, which serves as the closing point for each of the 34 verses in the poem.  The one exception to this rule is the case in which some word(s) other than the author's favorite modifier end the paragraph.  In this case, those words are placed into a sort of half-verse used to close that particular stanza.
I hope you will all join me in encouraging this budding new literary talent.  I look forward to reading her future missives, though unfortunately she has apparently deleted her Twitter account.


=========================================================================


THE TRAGEDY OF THE SOCIAL CHAIR
Written by the Social Chair of the Delta Gamma Chapter
at the University of Maryland
Transcribed into verse by John Ward better make that Unknown, 2013

I. A WARNING TO THE BELOVED SISTERS
If you just opened this like I told you to 
    tie yourself down
    to whatever chair you'resitting in because 
    this email is going to be a rough fucking

ride. 


II. THE LAMENT
For those of you that have your heads
    stuck under rocks
    which apparently is the majority of
    this chapter, we have been FUCKING

UP in terms
    of night time events
    and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.
    I've been getting texts
    on texts about people
    LITERALLY being so fucking

AWKWARD
    and so fucking

BORING. If you're reading this right now
    and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted]
    I've been having so much fun
    with my sisters this week!"
    then punch yourself in the face
    right now
    so that I don't have to fucking

find you
on campus
to do it myself.


III. THE SCOLDING OF THE SISTERHOOD
I do not give a flying fuck
    and Sigma Nu
    does not give a flying fuck
    about how much you fucking

love to talk to your sisters.
    You have 361
    days out of the fucking

year to talk to sisters
    and this week
    is NOT, I fucking

repeat NOT
    ONE OF THEM.
    This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community
    and that's not fucking

possible if you're going to stand around
    and talk to each other
    and not our matchup.
    Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.
    Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING

NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING
    TO WANT
    TO HANG OUT
    WITH US
    IF WE FUCKING

SUCK, which
    by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you
    WE FUCKING

SUCK
SO FAR.


IV. THE IMPUDENCE OF THE YOUNG
This also applies to you little shits
    that have talked openly about post gaming
    at a different frat
    IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking

retarded?
    That's not a rhetorical question
    I LITERALLY want you to email me back
    telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure
    you don't go to anymore night time events.
    If Sigma Nu openly said
    "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over"
    would you be happy?
    WOULD YOU?
    No
    you wouldn't
    so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM??
    IN FRONT OF THEM?!!
    First of all you SHOULDN'T be post gaming
    at other frats
    I don't give a FUCK if
    your boyfriend is in it if
    your brother is in it or if
    your entire family is in that frat.
    YOU DON'T GO. YOU.
    DON'T.
    GO.
    And you ESPECIALLY do fucking

NOT convince
other girls
to leave with
you.


V. THE REJECTION OF THE PLEAS OF THE FORSAKEN
"But [first name redacted]!" you say
    in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen
    as you read this email
    "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports
    doesn't that count for something?"
    NO YOU STUPID FUCKING

ASS HATS
    IT FUCKING

DOESN'T.
    DO YOU WANNA KNOW
    FUCKING

WHY?!!
    IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE
    YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING

UP
    AT SOBER FUCKING

EVENTS TOO.
    I've not only gotten texts
    about people
    being fucking

WEIRD at sports
    (for example, being stupid shits and saying
    stuff like
    "durr what's kickball?"
    is not fucking

funny), but I've gotten texts
    about people actually cheering for the opposing team.
    The opposing.
    Fucking.

Team.
    ARE YOU FUCKING

STUPID?!! 
    I don't give a SHIT
    about sportsmanship
    YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM
    AND NOT THE OTHER ONE
    HAVE YOU NEVER
    BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME?
    ARE YOU FUCKING

BLIND?
    Or are you just
    so fucking

dense
    about what it means to make people like you
    that you think
    being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to
    make our matchup happy?
    Well
    it's time someone told you
    NO ONE FUCKING

LIKES THAT
    ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING

MATCHUP.
    I will fucking

cunt punt the next person
    I hear about
    doing something like that and
    I don't give a fuck if you SOR me
    I WILL FUCKING

ASSAULT YOU.


VI. THE FINAL WARNING TO THE SCORNED
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad."
    Well good.
    If this email applies to you in any way
    meaning if you are a little asswipe
    that stands in the corners at night
    or if you're a weird shit
    that does weird shit 
    during the day
    this following message is for you:
    DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.
    I'm not fucking

kidding. Don't go. Seriously
    if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have
    some rare disease
    where you're unable to NOT do these things
    then you are HORRIBLE
    I repeat, HORRIBLE
    PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.
    I would rather have 40 girls
    that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking

awkward than 80
    that are fucking

faggots.
    If you are one of the people that have told me
    "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober" then
    I pity you
    because I don't know how you got this far in life
    and with that in mind don't fucking

show up
    unless you're going to stop being
    a goddamn cock block
    for our chapter.
    Seriously.
    I swear to fucking

God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner
    at tonight's event
    I will tell you to leave even if you're sober.
    I'm not even kidding. Try me.
    And for those of you who are offended at this email I would apologize
    but I really don't give a fuck.
    Go fuck yourself.


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